We have to write a story, Dorothy Parker style. So the character has to say the complete opposite of what he thinks. Please read this story and tell me if you find any grammar, style or spelling errors and on what I can improve. Seeing as English is my 3rd language I would like you guys to examine this, it's not done yet by the way and I don't really have a title, so if you could think something up, that would be great:
The music was pumping…techno as usual, the stroboscopes were flashing enough to give someone who isn’t epileptic a seizure. Yep, everything was just how it should be; drunken teenagers -some even on XTC or any other drug they could get their hands on- dancing like zombified monkeys to the hell blazing bass of the 10 feet high speakers behind them. As usual, I make my way to the bar where they serve the usual 5 buck beer with vodka mix. But hey, what would you expect from a club where only students are welcome…yes that’s right…students, and we all know what students are…yes….poor and filled with raging hormones. Tonight wasn’t about the booze, about the music, about the all out fun…tonight was the time ‘to get my freak on’, as they say in the urban rap/ hip hop culture. I’ve tried everything; blind dates, internet dates, animal dates…you name it, I had done it. But tonight would be my lucky break, or so it should be. As I walk up to the bar I get the same old question: ‘so you’re alone?’ Of course I always reply in the same manner: ‘No, my girl is out there dancing somewhere.’ ‘Well then shouldn’t you join her?’ ’Nah, I trust her.’
In fact, I would trust any girl if she were actually my girlfriend. The bartender didn’t seem to be convinced as he knew that if I would have a girl I would be either dancing with her or inducing large amounts of unknown pills, so that they would boost my serotonin, dopamine and noradrenalin levels, until I and my girl would hit the cosmic waves of love.
Just as I was in this semi-delightful thought, an actual female walks up to me…now, I think it was a female, unless the bartender put something into my drink. So you’re average, stressed out, female student, who has absolutely no life except eating, drinking, sleeping, studying and taking drugs. Blond hair, blue eyes, half dehydrated. Usually I wouldn’t lower myself to such an extend of dating a junkie, but hell, I was too damn desperate.
So she asks me: ‘Hey, you want to dance?’ The only thing going threw my brain at that moment was:’ OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY.’ So naturally I answered yes.
After having danced for about an hour, I noticed that she was getting tired and so I offered her to go sit somewhere alone and have a drink. She agreed and we went back to the bar. The look on the bartenders face slightly amused me as he saw me walking up to the bar with a girl. Two gin tonic please! As soon as I turned my eyes back to face her I see this big pink tablet in front of my face, with ‘special K’ engraved on it. Ah yes, Ketamine. It’s used to sedate horses, but I guess humans like to feel mellow. Yeah one very nice way to get you calm…and eventually make you sure you don’t wake up.
‘You want to try?’ she asked.
Oh I want to try…yeah, I want to try it as much as I want to get hit by a truck, thrown of a building or get attacked by a swarm of killer bunnies. God what the hell are you doing!? Are you a total moron, don’t take the damn pill! You don’t know where it came from, the next thing you know you might be listening to god, while he tells you how much of a blistering fool you are!
‘Oh yes, give it to me baby!’ I answered, not sure if I would live to see the sun rise over the maze of skyscrapers and the smog of carbon dioxide hanging in the moist, warm air above the traffic.
I swallowed the pill, and that is the last thing I remember. Everything from that moment is a total blur.
So now I am lying here, in a dumpster. Yes, I am lying in a puddle of vomit and blood -with no shoes on, a heavily beaten body and no money or any papers for that matter- while watching 3 flies hovering above my head, faintly attracted by the scent of rotting flesh. And then a bright white light shines…is it heaven, is it hell…no it’s just some crazy bag lady shining a light into my eyes to check my pupil responsiveness.
‘Are you alright, young man?’
Do I look okay? ARE YOU BLIND, YOU MAD COW? Do I look like I just decided to make this dumpster my second home? Either you are a total retard or the pill actually transferred me to another dimension by the use of fluctuating cosmic waves…I think I’ll just assume that you are a total retard.
‘Oh no, no, no and no again…I am perfectly fine, yes you see I am an actor and you are standing in the way of my shot.’
‘Then where are the cameras?’ the old lady asks.
‘In the walls.’ I answered with the utmost calm. ‘And now, if you won’t displace from your current position, right out of this alley I will have to use my hands to pull your intestines out with such great force that you will remember me even in any reincarnated form that comes after this soggy old body of yours.’
The lady ran as if someone put hot charcoal up her behind.
