Note
Please Nintendo, it's a parody. Get over it. Plus, nobody liked the Ice Climbers so you have no need to sue me.
All writing is the work of my own twisted mind.
1984, somewhere in antartica
Popo stared ahead at the desolute landescape. Cold winds blew harshly through the crags in the impossible mountain which lay before him and his partener. He had been in the ice climbing business for twelve years, yet none of his experience could prepare him for this. Sighing, he began to climb.
It was clear, after an hours worth of smashing through snow with oversized impractical mallets, that Nana was struggling. Although he never dared say it to her face, Popo had absolutely no confidence in her as a climber. He felt sure that she had given all the managers backseat blowjobs to get onto the team. Yet despite her overall retardedness, she kept getting credited over Popo. Whenever the press needed a story, they would look to her. Whenever playboy was short of slutty women they would turn to her. Whenever some little brat who wanted to be an ice climber asked for an autograph, they would ask her. Hell, she even got her own pretty pink outfit. All Popo had was his crappy certificates which required him to sign his own name for. Popo hated Nana.
Eventully the pair arrived at the summit. Popo peeked his head over the top of the leadge and was overjoyed to find that his goal was unguarded. Hundreds of vegatables lay unwwatched in the snow, from onions, carrots and cabbage to potato, leek and cauliflower. But best of all, right in the centre, were the succulent eggplants. Popo had to stop himself from rushing into the open and gorging himself. He sensed something was wrong. Normally this place was swarming with Topi's. Topi's were nasty little buggers, small Yeti or Seal like creatures who, despite their faggoty appearences, were capable of doing a lot of damage. Whilst Popo checked for signs of danger, Nana could contain herself no longer and pounced onto the glorious veggies. Immeideately, Topi's leapt onto her from the shadows. Screaming, she dropped her hammer and curled up into a ball. It was up to Popo. Shouting at the top of his lungs, he pounded his mallet into the nearest bastards head. A shower of blood eprupted, to Popos sick delight. Crunching the helpless creatures skulls together, he shoved a 50 cm rock down anothers throat. Manically laughing, he threw himself on top of the final three and tore the first ones heart out through his anus. The other two tried to escape but Popo threw his hammer at them and decapitated them both simeltaneously. Satisfied, he and Nana-who had finished being a coward-proceeded up the mountain.
The peak of the mountain was a dangerous place. As soon as one entered, they would have a mere 40 seconds to reach the top or the gods of homosexual looking eskimos would send in a hot pants wearing polar bear to kill them. Popo could not risk death, if you die you've lost a very important part of your life. It was times like these in which he'd much rather be at home masturbating to Shrek. Plus, at the top lived a famous condor, one who had killed many climbers. It had a beutiful red plummage and there was a reward for any person who could catch it. Popo was going to be the person to catch it.
Leaping onto the first platform, Popo found it was easier than it looked, particually the fact that if Nana *slipped* and died, he probably would get blamed. Ten seconds passed and Nana got stuck on the first leadge. Popo continued without her. Gripping onto a moving platform, he flipped through the air and landed next to the condor. He was inches away from it when it suddenly took flight. Determined, Popo grabbed it's legs and attempted to pull it to the ground. He was so close when he heard a scream. Nana was crying because she had tore her suit. Distracted, Popo lost his grip and the Condor flew away, never to be seen again. Nana had cost him his only chance of fame. She would pay.
Nana was sleeping in her tent, unaware that she was quite possibly the biggest bimbo in the world. Silently, Popo unzipped the door and crept in. He had originally decided that he would crack her skull and be gone, but one thing had led to another. Pouncing onto her chest, Popo ripped off her blankets and began fondling her superior breasts. Nana tried to cry out but nobody could hear her. Crazed, Popo pulled out his erect penis and shoved it into her anus. Nana went still through lack of oxygen and Popo cut her stomach over midway through orgasm. Pulling out intestines and blood, he had a sudden urge for blood. The guts tasted disgusting but in his maddness, Popo did not notice. He kept on pounding his mallet into het chest until she was nothing but a bloodied pulp. Popo stood back to admire his work and it was then he realised what he had done. He was going to jail, be executed. They would feed him to the bears. As he always did, Popo took the easy was out. Running towards the cliff, he felt a sudden peace within as he sailed towards the ground below. His last thoughts were of how he would finally make the cover of a magazine for this. And then nothing. Darkness.
And that's why they never made a sequel to Ice Climber.
Lies make baby Jesus cry, bitch.
