This was your first submission? Very impressed!
I rather liked the pace and tone you set for yourself in this peice. It definitely brings a sense of desperation, almost like having to reach up to the heavens to clutch a shred of hope while the offensive still batters at the innocence of your client.
This peice has very good potential to be a powerful one indeed. Perhaps one of these days you can come back to it with the skills you earn later?