Shows promise

Well the idea has definite potential, but you aren't done with this song yet. The highpitched thing that drops in at the chorus just doesn't work, also you need a bass riff to complete the blend.

To many repetitions and too little variations in the first bit, try to keep the listener entertained.

Other than that I like the idea behind the song and the main 'story behind' still this song isn't finished I think and you should do it honour by completing it.