Cool ideas! I'll have to go check out the original now but if I may say a few things that might have cleaned things up a little...

-Those cymbals made the mix sound kind of thin. Not that it was a thin mix but those could have been traded for a slimmer, crisper closed hi-hat rhythm. The length of those cymbals kind of takes away attention from the surrounding sounds. Live or not, when I arrange drum rhythms I try to use those long drawn out cymbals for emphasis on the first or last beat... or anywhere I really want to place emphasis. They won't emphasize the entire song though if that's the only cymbal sound you choose to use :)

A lot of the other elements were great though! Keep plugging away at that drum and bass nucka :D