Interesting concept with your intro -- I'm not sure I like the do-so-do-sodo-do-so, etc. line in your intro on that plucky synth. Just not quite my pick. Maybe it would work better if you ran two instances of the instrument and alternated channels left and right between each note, perhaps with a clock noise SFX or etc.

After this very short intro, we're greeted with the bass at 0:06, which felt soon to me. I also don't think the lo-fi crashes are doing you many favors in balancing the sound. The bass sounds like it may be too loud. That, or your percussion is just too quiet. I think it may be the latter. You can try compressing your drums harder to have them punch through, or you can drop your leads and other instruments, such as bass, down a bit. I would go back into my project, turn my volume down to 20% or so, and try these adjustments to see which sounds best.

The weakest element of this song is not writing but overall song structure. We have what sounds like several bridges and breakdowns come together in one instance. Take 1:06 for example, breakdown into a 1:20 bridge. This then goes into 1:33, which sounds like a verse, but is used like a bridge. I would either put a chorus or false chorus in between and drop in a keychange for your final chorus, or cut 1:33 to chorus and move the riser to your 1:20 bridge.

0:46 is also begging for a chorus to be laid down after it. I just realized this is another breakdown -- but 1:07 does okay. You could probably use some ride cymbals there or some SFX to keep the spacious feel of this piece.

Another comment I'd like to make. I notice you seem to have a spacious reverb/chorus on some of your instruments. This is fine but can get muddy. Most of the space in a mix comes from the room sounds on your snare and cymbal instruments, as well as your SFX. Try not to force room sound with your synths.

2:04, those horn stabs sound almost copied and pasted; try writing something like an ascending run into them -- it can be in another instrument, but swapping patterns like that is like having your listeners running down the sidewalk -- and suddenly slamming into a telephone pole out of nowhere.

I would up the 9k-15k range a bit on most of your cymbal percussion. I'm not hearing that high fizz.

Other than that, enjoyed the piece. You've got some great ideas floating around in your head, and you've got a good, consistent theme going. Thanks for coming out to NGUAC!