nice!

dunno how you feel, but my parents are super okay about that... they took care of me for almost two decades, so helping me for a little longer is no problem, and as they say: I'll be their retirement in a few years!

I don't quite get it. could you elaborate more? is this some sort of underestimating the value of homework and superestimating the value of e.g. coming up with theorems yourself and proving all on your own?

this is a major guideline I follow, and following it has had a major positive impact in my productivity.

but you can refine the guideline... homework and assignments, I start as soon as are given, like right after the class ends

sometimes I start an assignment before they are given, if a teacher merely alluded about it (then I have to interrogate them in order to obtain enough information to make a head-start possible >:) )

moreover... since you are learning maths and doing music: do you see any relationship between them? that's a very open question, because I don't understand either at all! haha

Here is my baby step to enrich my knowledge in physics.

I am going to read Conformal Field Theory and Modern Supersymmetry.

Sounds like solid steps! Advanced reading.

some new goals

1. finish tasks that are almost complete

2. don't rush so much, enjoy the surroundings

3. start my thesis and one article that have been in my backburner (borrowing from Cyberdevil's terminology hehe)

I've progressed. I can't ignore the problem. missing mornings and lingering at night is as if I'm squandering life

here I detail some personal changes. the sensation of water and sunlight alone are enough to wake up

however, that's just the physiological solution. my currently struggle is that I wake up, but I consciously decide to sleep more. unless it is a matter of survival, such as arriving at the restaurant in time before it closes, or taking a bus.

I don't care enough to wake up. e-mails, news, work, conversations, study, friends, self-care, interests, future, present, my alarm's music, all feel meaningless when just waking up

I only feel like... dreaming more. sweet dreams.

why would I prefer to dream rather than live? what is life? what is living? is answering this even going to help?

sometimes this pops in my head

I have decreased considerably sweet intake, but it has not been eliminated. good enough.

didn't happen, I don't feel like

as I shared here, doing the most basic problems first has been a boost, and I'm routinely solving more. I'm 15th at my university's rank. a guy from 2014, who is probably working today as senior, is in first place of our university and routinely solving more and more problems. but my friend is catching up and might dethrone him soon! haha

yes, do shine @Fro!

I confess I'm listen to it again from time to time! so catchy hehe

I have a bit too much on the backburner huh. XD

Those are some deep contemplations you're getting into in regard to sleep there... though I guess the reason I have a hard time maintaining good sleeping habits is similar. Just not enough incentive to want to get up, and thus not enough incentive to truly want to go to bed in time either, even if I could fall asleep.

Second to incentive comes discipline though. I feel I should be able to force better habits, even if I don't want them.

But then what's the incentive for discipline. How do you truly make progress in that regard... may need a higher/external/long-term purpose that seems important enough to merit anything these steps of betterment really require...

Seems like the goals this month are 1/3 maybe in line with figuring things out too, 2/3 practical...

Best of luck!

That incentive thing hmm.

And to your friend too! :D That'd be awesome.

Hello, back to this thread for the month. Last few weeks were kinda rocky, except for this last week in particular which was pretty good, even exercised a couple times which I haven't done in a while. Checking on my goals:

Completely fell off this one after the first week, but to be fair the assignments slowed down by then. Still had a few days where I had to do homework for all day though so I need to stay alert.

Fell off this one again in the first two weeks, but actually got around 52% in the last couple weeks which is kinda awesome. I feel like I can keep that pace up.

Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't. Noticed I was much more apt for focusing on the stuff I had to do when I had good sleep (I've been having somewhat of a rocky schedule lately). Turns out having good sleep is actually an important part of keeping the energy for doing things!

Trying to keep the momentum up, I'll set some new goals for this next month:

1.- Finish the intro and follow-up of a track I'm working on, "Carbon Thing". Get them to a pretty much final state.

2.- Learn and practice the 3rd page of the music sheet of "Clair de Lune". Been doin' great progress on it and I wanna keep it going.

3.- (Vague guideline) Be very alert with college assignments and work on them early so they don't catch you by surprise.

That'd be it for this month. Best of luck with everyone's goals, it's awesome seeing this thread still being quite active.

Hello Cyber!

Yeah it's pretty much that. Back in high school I was excited enough about maths to do them somewhat regularly, finding problems online, courses and whatnot. And now with studying maths in college I kind of have to do that by default, which doesn't feel as cool but it counts just as much, and I only realized that pretty recently.

I mean, I'm not sure? I guess both have that sort of thing with trial and error, trial and error, trial and error. Come up with ideas, put them to practice to see if they work, if they don't then repeat previous steps. For both it feels really awesome when you find an idea that works well, but both can become a drag to do sometimes. I think that's more just the general thing of doing something that's got some sort of artistic factor to it, like writing, drawing, architecture? idk.

Who would've known. XD Actually up a couple hours earlier than I'd planned today, I notice that if I try to drastically improve my bedtimes I tend to wake up too early also, wonder if it's the body trying to adhere to an ideal time, noting such is the intention, but just going a bit too overboard with it...

Easier to improve these routines with sunlight though, glad it's finally that part of the year.

Best of luck to you too Jatmoz!

Checking back on the goals from this past month...

Managed this... somewhat. I'm not sure it's the most discipline-growing routine, seems like I need to find something else that feels more beneficial; doesn't seem like a routine I make just to make routines...

Didn't manage this at all this month. It started well, but winded up ending with two of the busiest weeks I've had in a long time, and energy/motivation faltered, no visits at all then.

I did do this! In the midst of one of those most hectic weeks no less, so pretty proud about that.

Started this month with fever and flu, thus a little late with these, think I shall rethink priorities and try for...

1. Eye exercises. My vision's deteriorating at a remarkable rate, and this is honestly probably the one thing that depresses and distresses me the most in life. I think I haven't made a serious effort to at least slow the process since I fear it's no use, but it really may be a huge long-term benefit to get in some good routines in this regard. Ideally, you ought when doing a lot of close-distance work look at some object far away at least every twenty minutes, as to not make your eyes too accustomed to a certain distant/tire them continually. Twenty minutes is difficult though, I shall start this by actively attempting to at least walk around a bit and look far off for half a minute every hour. If I can manage more often that' be great, but this seems like a tolerable/simple enough little break without too often breaking pace.
2. No unnecessary sugar. I've been eating a lot of crap lately, but now is not the time to compromise my immune system unnecessarily. Unless I'm offered something, I think I'll try not eating anything sugary this month. No candy, no ice cream, no soda, nothing like that. If there are condiments or sauces or such with sugar in them that's alright in moderate dosage.
3. More outside time for eyes/exercise/sunshine. At minimum an hour every day, preferably two, when I'm better.

I hope it is not too late to join this club as sky above me knows that having so much self doubt lately I should reflect some and do it so that I'd feel pressure to do something productive with my self doubts. If I am too late to the party, slap me off here, but be kind, my cheek is full of slaps from the universe as is.

It is half month already, I know, but ... half month is better than no month, right?

Name: Tenebrare

Your main goal(s) for the month (and the one following):

1. Do all.. most... half... some ... of the prep work for the small fan comic I am planning
2. Read least 100 page from a book every morning.
3. Try think less about external contributors and focus more on my own thing

Why you joined the club: Perhaps, when i write it down, I feel more internal pressure to make much better effort?

What you plan to improve: Less negative thoughts about of 'I shouldn't do something because AI and videos being the new kings in all-things art" and stick more to the carefree child alike enthusiasm I used to have, where I couldn't care less if someone saw my silly artsy things and at best they ended up in my drawer instead anyone's eyes.

Any time of doubt's a good time to join IMO. :) So basically there's really never a bad time for it, and never too late.

Right!

Solid goals too. A hundred pages sounds like a lot of pages every day, good luck!

Wish I could get more of that back too... and more time. And use the time I have better so it doesn't feel constantly like I have less than I actually do have, which is maybe the bigger problem...

Well let us all keep striving for that optimal betterment in maybe manageable and more self-accountable small steps, on behalf of @Tacopug and all welcome aboard!

It slaps for sure this club... but not so painfully. :P

new goals:

1. fearless and incisive refactoring: I can't stand ugly code, it has been hampering my productivity

2. revisit old uni assignments, polish them and publish

3. write two papers about algorithms I developed during my internship

the infinite burden, it is an unsatisfiable goal. today I finished and presented a 44-slide presentation in LaTeX in 12 minutes, big win. on the other hand, my Distributed Systems assignment is 99% complete for some weeks now, and my AI assignment is not even started

what I mean is that I want to be cool. Bram Stoker uses "cool" and "coolness" for some characters in his book Dracula, dated 1897. its meaning certainly changed after over a century. I think he meant "cool" as being able to withstand extremely stressing situations without losing composure and placidity. that fits my desire. I'm always rushing around, but I should slow down when there is more time. sometimes I can barely greet and exchange conversations with people I encounter randomly, due to my hurry. the other day, a porcupine strolled behind the labs: I could've stayed to appreciate such a rarity, maybe even follow it but nay! I just hurried to my lab.

I'm improving however :)

I didn't start them for now. I've been enlightened about what is true science

most recently I have been analyzing the satisfaction/dissatisfaction side of sleep. the relationship seems simple: if my life is dissatisfying, when I wake up, sweet dreams will take over me until survival instincts force me out of bed

one miracle happened on monday. saturday I made impossible sacrifices in my internship, then my dad visited me. we cleaned our home and had lots of fun during the weekend, and then monday I woke up before the alarm and enjoyed the morning for the first time in months. I saw the sun rise! what happened? by sunday I felt satisfied about my life

let me expose a pseudo-theory I'm coming up.

I wrote down fours lists, partial excerpts from my notebook follows

things that satisfy me: good music, good movies, programming in C, eat ice cream, eat pizza, go out with friends, watch others' achievements, teach, write and format documents, ace exams, play Planetside 2, eat churros, clean my home

things that dissatisfy me: lack of raves with good music, "injustice" against C, lack of love, disappointment with technology, spinelessness, stupid requirements, "my niche interest is underrated", disrespect against users

fantasies: product launches, speeches, teaching, mentoring, playing, love, bankruptcy, war, massive destruction weapons, rational robots, superheros, space exploration, apocalypse, alien invasion, work until exhaustion, muscles, monsters, infinite efforts, gods

favorite movie genres: apocalypse, natural disaster, monsters, memorable villains, superheroes, hate, anger, morally disturbing, teen movies, movies for kids, war, martial arts

there are clear relationships between my movie interests and fantasies. I classify my fantasies into three categories: a) love, b) destruction and c) life expectations. fantasies are numerous and overall, weird

destruction as the inner unconscious desire to destroy external influences that inhibits what one wishes to be, as a form of regeneration and personal reform. this might be related to self-destructive habits (dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty home, lack of shower, no plant watering, no bed tidying)

back on satisfaction: what is it? I define as power, enacted. powerlessness leads to dissatisfaction and destructive desires (that would, in fantasies, unleash power)

now why would power, exercised, provide satisfaction? due to love. love of friends, family, strangers. power lets you "save" beloved people. it's a form of deeming myself useful, and proving to myself "I succeeded in life". life expectations in fantasies indicate what one considers "success", or the "peak human" we desire to be. visions of power in fantasies indicate more or less what one should actually seek to feel useful and human

I avoided the theme of love, as I'd like to keep it personal, for now. it's also weird

well, these were a lot of words to say "do what you want"

however, I found that reflecting about fantasies and dissatisfaction aided me to understand what I really want

the goals I set for myself might really boost my satisfaction. let's see if I'll start to wake up!

funny thing. I'm starting to notice how fantasies spill into movies' stories, although their weirdness and impracticality

welcome @Tenebrare

I'm on my twenties, and I struggle with the fear of losing my infancy and becoming a boring adult. I've been watching Codename: Kids Next Door as comical relief. the transferred guy in our internship is still retarded like a kid, so I'm not alone remaining retarded! when we walk in groups, we all become kids again, yelling and jumping and running

I lost this "thing" of doing art that kids have. after two decades, my dad started to paint again. I'm happy for him! I hope I can follow his steps and start to draw again. I haven't drawn in years...

I have similar movie tastes, and game tastes - similar themes, and fantasies. Overall it feels like we (as in humanity) enjoy destructive movies more than we used too, disasters and apocalypse movies are really common, and I wonder if the reason for this could be that we are simply dissatisfied with our world the way it is, and such destruction essentially brings with it also a need to start anew. So you destroy the world as it is, and then you are truly able to start over. I believe that might be the root of our interest in war too - apart from maybe a fundamental aggression we have in our genes - to survive, and grow stronger, and just fight - but also a means to an end. The purpose of all destructive fantasies seem ultimately to be justice, to undo some kind of wrong, to get rid of something undesirable and make way for something new...

Maybe this has always been a theme though, civilizations constantly collapse and get rebuilt, riots are reoccurring, even biblically the theme of destruction and rebirth's a big one, maybe the media's just catching on more and more now.

In the first part here, I agree. In the second, I'm a little confused. Not sure how this desire relates to self-destructive habits. I'm not sure fantasies of destruction correlate. I think it's a basic dissatisfaction that leads to self-destructive habits too, such habits it seems your miracle moment of satisfying time seemed to momentarily erase, too.

Personally it seems sometimes like there's almost a sense of martyrdom involved. A will to not care. To make myself worse, since there is just nothing worthwhile to be better for. Whatever that intention's rooted it, I'm not sure, maybe it's more so apathy than intentional neglect...

Interesting reflections on power too, that seems true... and love of course also a central factor, though difficult to... calculate.

I hope so! Good luck with the monthly goals too, Bram Stoker's version of 'coolness' from 1897 appeals to me too, interesting note on that...

Regarding all these fantasies and reflections, it reminds me of the power of affirmation, and visualization too. It also seems key to visualize your success to succeed. The act of doing's but a part of it, and the act of thinking about doing things is a thing I seem to get stuck on often, so the art of visualization's definitely one I haven't mastered yet, but it seems like a powertool in accomplishments if you can get it right. We undervalue the mind really, it's everything.

Curious about this? Any particular movies?

Checking back on the goals from this past month...

This started well... I've gotten careless again the last week or so, shall recommit.

I forgot about this one. Have done well overall though even though I didn't remember it. No ice cream, no chips, no soda either, a little sweets/chocolate/marmalede/unnecessary sugar...

It took some time to get better. Parents got sick as well, have been tending to them. I was away in Poland for a week and during that time definitely out at least an hour every day - think I've been averaging around 3-4 hours outside time then - but otherwise not so much outside time. At minimum an hour probably. Two questionably.

I'm taking a break from these incremental goals as I'll be leaving for the family farm in a bit, and there it's soo much easier to live well even without commitments. Especially without. Be free. Work hard, play hard; make the most of the time you get there. Some fundamental goals for summer though, very basic:

1. Get in shape.
2. Get a good tan.
3. Look around a lot.

Will be looking around for a job and place to live up North too, maybe all will be a bit different this autumn...

Have a good summer y'all!

I used to dance bare-feet in the rain,, music in my headphones and I was happiest brat ever and now I have started to do that now as an adult too. Dance - when music playing on my headphones or holding remote on my hands pretending I am a superstar. Who said we cannot do this anymore ? Playing air drums is awesome! There are many actors in this world and we pay to see them in films or in stage, so if I want to pretend I am a music genius, I can!

And sometimes I quote my favorite characters from films mimicking their voice and mannerisms. I have whole my life been known as the quiet, gloomy and minding-own-business one. But in 2023 everyone tries to tell me how I should talk, think and what i should be offended of. As a child, where all this was criminal offence (I lived in an occupied land), i still maintained this freedom of mind. And so what if someone thinks I have lost my marbles. Those are my marbles and I think I have never felt more sane and clear than I am now.

Adults should learn so much from young kids - how to enjoy the moment. Be free. Sure life is though, there is war - which is close enough to impact weather here, and there is inflation that is one of the highest in continent, and there is 100 and 10 issues, from Ais based on stolen data and scraping taking my job, but its not that me crying would make the world around me change.

And being an adult kid is better than kid-kid, since adult kid can drink 3 mugs of coffee while doing that air-drum thing and then sit back down and doodle. 100th version of that one thing, but which makes you happy. When I was teenager, i did doodle like 1000 (literally 1000s) drawings of Phantom of the opera and as had no scanner, I never showed them to anyone. Now adult me doodles another "pretty" boy and like Phantom doodles, my pretty boy with pins in his head goes to drawer. I still sometimes think it be cool to be 'liked', but I am not going to twist my pants to grind social media as grinding it doesn't make me happy!

Hello, I'm here again. I didn't give an update in this thread on time due to college. And wow did college kick my ass this semester. Got good grades on all my courses but man that last week was hellish, I quite literally couldn't do anything except work on assignments, homework and pending projects. Last week was one of the most exhausting weeks in my entire academic life, but it's over now. Needless to say I completely ignored the goals I set in April.

However, it's been 5 days since I finished the semester and I've been decently productive in all 5 of them, so that's a good sign. With vacation, the first couple weeks are critical; if you don't set good, rigid habits by then, it's really difficult to set them later so I'm not gonna screw that part up. Just for completion lemme check my goals from April:

Happy to say that, with the work I've done the last 5 days, intro and follow-up are done! That means I'm halfway done with the track. I'm hoping with the free time I have now, I can finish it this month.

Been resuming work on this as well. A couple of days later I'm up to speed and am practicing the next section. I think it's not too long until I get the first 3 pages done, then it'd be only a single page left.

...yeah I completely flunked this one and it all came back to bite me right in the ass.

Alright then, new goals:

1.- Finish Carbon Thing by July 7th (not necessarily release it, may or may not have bigger plans).

2.- Be able to play Clair De Lune on piano by July 7th.

3.- Start studying that Analysis book you bought and make decent progress on it. Decent means whatever it means but put effort into studying it.

I think that'll be all for now. Gosh it feels nice to have free time again.

Name Riger44

Goals:

- Finish submissions to the HSR fanart contest ending next month

- Cram art study so I'm atleast somewhat competitive to the eventual winner

- Build up online presence

RF joining

- I'm a chronic procrastinator so just on of many attempts to get myself to be productive

Plans

- I've managed to maintain a certain level of productivity atleast so thats a start. Looking at the winning submissions in those contests I don't think I'm substantially worse objectively in my art, atleast I don't feel like they're level is out my current reach but I notice I my level starts to dip when it comes to making finished works so I gotta work on that. Hopefully I can get in good form by the time I start working on my entries. For my soc meds I'm not really online much so for now I'll just try to be more active and do research on how the platforms work when I have extra time.

I wrote some month ago about the 2 major goals of one was:

"Less negative thoughts about of 'I shouldn't do something because AI and videos being the new kings in all-things art" and stick more to the carefree child alike enthusiasm I used to have,"

I originally wrote a long summary here and then pressed delete.I realized the long story short was that despite emotional hurdles which come from external factors, that inner child still keeps amusing others as much it amuses me. Can talk to other people about fandom they have 0 interest on, but because I apparently glow they find it funny. I really NEED this inner child to stay with me. I sometimes feel as if I am trying to push it away, but I do hope it stays. It makes me smile.. makes me feel better. Makes me ... *whispers* happier.

I cannot add new goals here as this one here is a hard one to keep up as it is. It is a bit like daily struggle for me. But I'' now sip some coffee and go back to doodle my "fan comic" which I still am not sure I'll ever show to anyone.. .I must.. must carry on doing it.. for me. Just for me *whispers again* ... for myself.

Hope this one works! Good luck with the goals and welcome aboard Riger44!

Still nice you're sharing this though. XD I share the sentiment! Some change seems necessary or else you just stagnate but... not too fundemental change. Must keep an appreciative and curious mindset at least even through the obligatory and always coveted wealth of experiences do irreversibly change you...

Seems like a good month at least, regardless of incremental goal completion ratios, accomplishments high.

What motivates me - despite it actually being really hard (to change whole mindset that society tries to push on you - consume, be liked, show and fake it). It is that apparently it makes me so happy that it sparkles around me. I am always - in my whole life been known as they silent and gloomy one (as I have said somewhere above) , not really bothering anyone with anything. Now I am like doing one liner jokes, being carefree, entertaining people like a 5 year old and do not make any attempt to hide what amuses me for now (Its Hellraiser for now and I bring that up even with industry people - they all so serious and I am jumping into serious discord chat with movie gifs - and even the angriest guy snorts!),. Or like in meeting, when someone brags and when you'd say, "have a cookie" or ask "want a medal" - i give people pins. "Here, have a pin for your efforts" - and everyone laughs. Even the person i just told to shut up.

That smiles and laughs around me is what motivates me to work on this goal. Even my actual friends say that -- this person of past months is not me. It is much happier (and better) version of me. And I do work every day to keep that child in me with me. I am not playing or trying to be someone else, I am being me ... like I used to be, when I was younger.

People STOP being dull adults!

... and some days I think I need mental help assistance as its ridiculous. This is why friends support is important.

This dialogue really happened 2 days ago :

Me to friend : "I think I really should stop with this Hellraiser nonsense."

My friend, "Nope. ... you don't... "

Me: "I feel like I be committed to loony bin with it."

My friend, "No you wont."

Me: "No, its not funny... "

My friend, "He he he ... "

Me: "what?"

My friend, "No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering"

Me, ".... "

Friends like this help me keep my inner-brat with me!

And sometimes it does help to write this all out. Even today i had self doubt in so many times.

It is very difficult to keep an honest and direct child in yourself. It's cool what you can do.

Nature motivates me.

I now live in the city and I am drawn to nature. There I feel like myself. Everything is so green, clean, bright. Even the air there beckons me. I like to be there in silence, pet the dogs, listen to the birds sing, see if the chicken has laid an egg, pet the cat that rubs against its legs..

After that, I seem to become bigger and I can give more to this world.

From my previous answer, my goals also emerge. You can call me Lolly. And I don't have big goals. I want peace and tranquility. I also want to go on vacation :)

In short, my goals are

1) Go to the countryside and take a break from the city

2) My dream, no matter how strange it may sound, is to try to milk a cow (I wanted to as a child and still dream about it). Perhaps this is such a dream which will seem funny to many, but I want to feel the trust and love of such a big animal as a cow. That she would let me milk her. I think it's cool. By the way, here is a video with instructions for me haha. Don't judge me :)

3) Deal with a work task with a website that deals with a variety of reviews. It's for myself

4) Pay attention to your physical form. As I said, vacation is coming soon, so I need to improve the quality of the body a little in order to feel more confident. Like Chloe's workouts. Why not? I hope I survive because I heard her workouts are killer ahah

So that's it, let's see

Aww thank you, I'll try to make a report:)

As someone, who has milked a cow - I can say that to do so - traditionally, with small chair, bucket and your own hands - you have to (most times at least) build a bond with the cow that they'd even allow you to. And that build up process is something else. I had to go days to it, and talk to it so it knows me. Was some ladies lone cow deep somewhere in countryside and I went there to get rid of my city-stress. No phones, no working TV, and no there was no mobile masts either, so those didn't work either.

So no, I do not think this goal of yours is anything odd or silly. It may sound strange "what on earth and why?", but I do not think it is as much about act of milking, but the process that is before. 1st you have to earn trust of owner of said animal. Countryfolk even if they know you (was one of my relatives) - don't think much of city people. me living in her small farm some time is part of my core memories. Even if you spend just little time out there building bonds with nature and soul searching, it can be life altering experience.

Nowadays, since I live on coast, I just go walk on the shores of bay here that connect two towns. Sometimes I walk all the way to other town and back. Over 10 km. And what makes me smile is when I see old couples on that route. This distance is no easy walk for them, but here they are - enjoying winds, the sound of waves.

Good luck with your goals, they sound good ones.

It's been a while since goals and roads update.

Time for a look back and a moment of getting all philosophical. Thinking out loud. Part of me ponders should I ... should I type something like this out online under tag that can be googled back to every possible online post I have done online. Then again... so what? I am not ashamed to smile at the end!

So my goals I stated on my original post - trying to hold on to that child in me and few other things.

I have always been admired even by my enemies for being able to stick to my guns, stick to my own path, but sometimes I wish I wouldn't. Sometimes I think I should toss my drum sticks across the road and run opposite direction. Why do I bother doing anything as whatever you do is wrong in the eyes of someone, or someone else does it better. In 2023 bonus is that people now even ask AI if and when they should fart and go to outhouse, let alone write their stories, cvs, cover letters, online posts, do their art, do their everything - absolutely everything. You can disconnect brain and collect likes and paychecks now.

One of my original goals was to read a lot, but I couldn't focus anymore. I couldn't draw either past weeks. Me doing my fan-art story had part that has remembrance panel from WW1 - great, I triggered PTSD from that because of own experience and war we have here in this region now. Thanks my brain.. thanks. When I originally had written script to my story the WW1 part was not in it, why did I add it? Am I self sabotaging or was it needed to go trough set of emotions to do what i ended up doing next ... something that makes me smile on its own way. So after 2 weeks of banging head (literally at times) against wall, wishing not to wake up at all. It started to nag me few weeks ago really bad. Like tendrils darkness started to wrap itself around me. 1st slowly, then more and more eventually making me toss pen across the room and scream.

So .. other day I woke up - overwhelmed by all the negative thoughts and emotions form past 2 weeks.

I made my coffee - while waiting machine to fill the mug, I stood like a real world version of a zombie.. Eyes staring one point outside of the window. A bird was there, picking something from the ground. And then another tiny "birb".

Then my zombie brain made a decision. Instead coming to here on my workstation, I took my mug as is, and walked to my garden - with my flip-flops, messy hair, messier clothes, sat down. Closed my eyes - mug in my hand.

Bird singing, someone going to work - car sounds, someones lawnmower, some more bird singing, trash-truck ... neighbors not mine - I recognized it by sound. Tree-leaves making swwwssssssh sounds... some muffled peoples voices passing by on the street. Ha, that car sound - this was a car of some guys 3 houses down. I opened one eye - saw tiny birds pick apples in my garden, I smirk, I close the eye. A boom-sound... ah the planes from nearby airport, I read the company logos, close my eyes again.

Sat there 3 hours like some sort of Luddite. Next day I did same. make my coffee, but grabbed a book and went to sit there... closed my eyes for a while, took a sip, listened the sound for a while and then opened the book.

This is what I used to do when as kid. Sit in garden, doing nothing most of the time, listening, observing.

... and it is ok, if an Iskander (a type of missile used in war in this region) would fall on me, ai-takes my job, but I smiled. I did not know what time was, time stood still. And it stood still the next day. Being Luddite and social-media nobody does not feel as bad out there after-all. A song started to loop in my head. And tomorrow I am going to wake up and go back to the garden with my mug and next book as I completed last one. I have had this garden whole my life, it was my grandmothers and why I had stopped going there? Why I had started my mornings with reading what someone said in Twitter instead going to listen bird songs, watching hedgehog running around inside the grass?

AI can tell zombies to what to say, and generate them images, but AI will not have scent of fresh dew on a grass, does not have voice of a young bird top of rare pyramid shaped oak. In fact AI does not make your city official come add signs to your trees as those trees are one of few of a kind in whole town... country. And AI does not give you tiny birds eating apples in the morning nor air you breathe.

And here I am - I brought my book and mug back in-doors and thinking it is ok if world burns around me as I started my fan story for myself, and the reason I added the WW1 part in it was because it must have been important to me. Out there literally touching grass and sniffing air, I somehow felt free. That child in me is still there. It is the adult in me that always makes up problems, is full of angst. AI pretty much burns down the world we know, but I sit down into wet grass and pull my fingers trough morning dew wet grass and giggle. Like an idiot. BUT... Happy idiot. Happy idiot with messy unwashed hair...

(the song I mentioned that i was looping in my head an humming)

After 2 weeks of gloom and doom adult me went trough, the child in me did show that life is too short to stress over things you cannot change. I think since I made this 1st post, it is 1st time I made a solid step forward.

Hope all's good for you lot as well. And sorry for the long post.

next semester begins tomorrow. five goals, I have a lot in mind

1. complete 80% of string problems on BeeCrowd

2. develop a diminute demo and upload here... I was thinking of a silly acrostic generator

3. exercise on a daily-basis, something is better than nothing

4. fully parallelize our auxiliary tools in my internship

5. study formal logic, from philosophy books I borrowed from my mom

6. drink less coffee. limit myself to one cup per day when I'm well, two cups if I'm tired

some additional improvements:

- I'm managing to wake up early! finally! I use drum & bass music to wake up. it is chill enough not to startle me, intense enough to monopolyze my attention and drive it away from dreams, and long and powerful enough to give me energy

- my house has been more tidy

- I've been watering my plant more frequently

I've been doing this, and it has been wonderful!

I was burdened and I missed publication dates. on the bright side, I wasted zero time. I'll revisit them next year

actually, I even gave up on my original idea for my thesis... I have nothing in mind currently!

I have not forgotten this thread, but life has been tossing me few new challenges. Odd how things are connected. The fact I have tried to keep connected to my happier-childish-inner-self months before, it has helped me to handle new situation in life, where overnight I faced big changes. I skip the details, but trying to hold onto that always hopeful daydreamer I was a kid, has become even more meaningful.

I have no time to read anymore, but I am trying to keep focused on creating and building stories and feeling happy over smallest of positive things and steps.