I didnt see you post this thanks for telling me lol.

1/1/05 08:10 PM, Myst_Williams wrote:
I read it, it is intriguing. Is it the beginning of a short story?

Quite possibly I may continue it into a full length novel type thing if I carry on enjoy writing it.

Obvious editing needs to be done, but overall it was well presented. Some more atmosphere needs to be added here and there to compinsate the ratio if desciption to dialogue, but other then that, i am interested to read the rest.

Atmosphere thing is duely noted. When I go voer this bit Ill rewrite bits and pieces of it to give it more of a Victorian feel.

I quite liked it seemed to be the beginning of an interesting story. I thin kthe beginning needs more, or maybe the end.

Im not finsished with it and the last bit I did I rushed so thats why it sucks a little. but when I carry on Ill be saure to chang it so it is better.

You need to get into the town and area they live about and what the people are like and such. Maybe on his carriage way back he can see neighrbors and such and the narrartor can go into detail about the town and his residence and such as well.

I was planning on doing thigns like that anyway when I redo this bit so.........yeah?

It, in my mind, is still too short to point out any major flaws, but i like what i see thus far.

lol ok then. Within the next few days(After IVe done my history) ill carry on with this,edit it,continue the story etc and then post it here or email it to people or whatever.

Ya, well, i cant wait to see your revised version. I really liked it. It was a promising start for sure. Some of your better work i might add, the descriptions were pretty good and such.

I know people don't like it when i plug flash movies on the threads, but just one last time.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/207947

If you havn't seen Renaissance already, go see it. It was amazing. You can tell by my review how much i liked it. lol. Anyway, i am not trying to sway votes, so vote as you see fit, but i just love it and i want others to experience it.

Sorry about dbl posting... again.

Myst

i'm in america and we spend like 2 years on the american history. I like S.S. i like to talk about politics and philsophy. Oh and didn't Ireland have that guy with like the 5 foot long sword and like killed a ton a brits and sent them away from ireland anf back to england. Oh an dwhy is england known as the U.K. now, i always wondered that. Oh and Nzi Germany is always a hot topic, it's like sex ed. without all the giggles from the few guys and girls who's always though it was the stork, and of course me cause if someone laughs i can't help but break out.

Sex ed was interesting. My PhysEd Teacher had us saying vocabulary out loud one day, and there was this one group that would yell out the most interesting words. 8th Grade was so much fun.

i so agree, i remeber we played the penis game one time. It was hilerious, i started jacking off before (you know the temtaions of a growing teenager) but to my suprise like noone knew what the hell and orgsam was, and so i had to help the teacher on a few acconts, it was funny and i swear like not even any of the guys(even the cool ones) had any idea what masterbation was. I was like "it's when you sexually sitmulate yourself inorder to have an orgasm" I'm seroius i keep a journal and those were my exact words. The look on the teacher's face was priceless. And i'm not even sure if my peers even realised that i knew what i was talking about casue i experienced it like everynight. It was funny.

oh sorry for double posting, but i wanted to mention that my teacher only used the real names for the body parts, she barely even used the word period, and one time one of the guys said dick, and she corrected him.

What was the penis game? Is that what they called Masturbation? That's fucking hilarious.

no the penis game is where you shout penis as loud as yuo can, and who ever shouts it the loudest wins, a girl beat us guys, but her face was so red.

I missed out on health class. cuz I took band for two years. I also didnt have to take a language. band is so fucking awesome. especially when you play the drums. drums are so much easier than clarinet or trumpet, especially when you only have to play 1 drum. but all through middle school I never took health until 8th grade when my school had no money for a band teacher. but our health teacher was such a dumbass, all he tought us about were the muscles, the bones, and about drugs. the only time I learned a little sex ed was in 5th grade when we had a mini lesson on it for a week, it was called FLASH and stood for something. but I eventually learned allot from my friend Sam. Wow I love looking back on middle school, those were some good fucking times!

I was in Band in middle school and throughout highschool. I played the trombone, it's such an awsome instument. It's cool doing things other instruments can't do. Oh yeah!

At 1/2/05 12:05 AM, newbman wrote: no the penis game is where you shout penis as loud as yuo can, and who ever shouts it the loudest wins, a girl beat us guys, but her face was so red.

I play that game for kicks and giggles, and I always kick ass.
Shouting penis on a crowded street is nuckin' futs.

Okay, I think I get the point. Has anyone been to G-MAN's website for the WG yet? You can register and post a your stories there. Click his sig.

At 1/1/05 09:07 PM, newbman wrote: Oh an dwhy is england known as the U.K. now, i always wondered that.

The UK consists of England, Ireland scotland and wales so when people refer to the Uk they mean all of the countries. All though theres a weird thing cause U.K contains All of England IReland scotland and waled but the British isles is England Northwern IReland scotland and wales....it could be the other way round though......I always get them mixed up.

here's an opening to a stroy i'm writing.

Toulos Restaurunt, adjasent to Capitol Hill, boasts a politically incorrest menu of baby veal and horse carpaccio, making it an ironic hotspot for the quintessential Washintonian power breakfast. This morning Toulos was busy - a cacophony of clanking silverware, espresso macines, and cellphone conversations.
The maitre d' was sneaking a sip of his morning Bloody mary when a woman entered. He turned with a practical smile.
"Good morning," he said. "May I help you?"
The woman was attractive, in her mid-thirties, wearing gray, pleated flannel pants, conservative flats, and an ivory Laura Ashley blouse. Her posture was straight- chin raised ever so slightly- not arrogant, just strong. The woman's hair was a light brown and fashioned in Washinton's most popular style- the "anchorwoman"- a lush feature, curling under at the shoulders.... long enough to be sexy, but short enough to remind you she was probably smarter than you.
"I'm a little late," the woman said, her voice unassuming. "I have a breakfast meeting with Senator Sexton."

So what do you thing, it's going to be a suspence thriller.

well aprt frm the spelling and a few grammatical errors it seems good. I need to read some more before I know if its actually going to be succeful as a suspense thriller.

At 1/2/05 02:11 PM, Manic_streetpreacher wrote: The UK consists of England, Ireland scotland and wales so when people refer to the Uk they mean all of the countries. All though theres a weird thing cause U.K contains All of England IReland scotland and waled but the British isles is England Northwern IReland scotland and wales....it could be the other way round though......I always get them mixed up.

No, the UK consists of England, Scotland, Wales and Norther Ireland. The Republic of Ireland or Eire is a country in its own right. It does not want to be a part of the UK and is independant of us.

I read your little piece, and was overall impressed by it. I would make one suggestion, however. That is that you type your work into a program like MS Word, so you can use spellcheck to make sure everything is right and then copy / paste it into the post box on here.

It makes everything look better, trust me.

At 1/2/05 03:22 PM, Coop83 wrote: No, the UK consists of England, Scotland, Wales and Norther Ireland. The Republic of Ireland or Eire is a country in its own right. It does not want to be a part of the UK and is independant of us.

ah right thank you for correcting me. I can never remember which way it is :s

I read your little piece, and was overall impressed by it. I would make one suggestion, however. That is that you type your work into a program like MS Word, so you can use spellcheck to make sure everything is right and then copy / paste it into the post box on here.

I do that anyway. Its just becasue of the way some of my typos work they look like other words. When I typed in beat i mistyped and did beta and Ms Word accepts that as a word so It didnt pick it up :-\ Im proof reading it as we speak and then Im typing up the next bit.

It makes everything look better, trust me.

ha i punked you all! I guess you guys don't read enough.
That was the first page of Dan Brown's Deception Point.
I'll be doing this ofeten, i'll write down the first page of a famous naovel and see if any of you guys can guess what it is, have fun. Here's another:

"Brain Robeson stared out the window of the small plane at the endless green norther wilderness below. It was a small plane, a Cessa 406 - a bushplane- and the engine was so loud, so roaring and consuming and loud, that it ruined any chance for conversation.

Not that he had much to say. He was thirteen and the only passenger on the plane with a pilot named- what was it? Jim or Jake or something- who was in his mid-fortiess and who hod been silent as he worked to prepare for take-off. In fact since brian had come to the small airport in Hampton, New York to meet the plane- driven by his mother- the pilot had spoken only five words to him."

Happy hunting!

At 1/2/05 03:39 PM, newbman wrote: ha i punked you all! I guess you guys don't read enough.

Bitch. You will pay!

That was the first page of Dan Brown's Deception Point.

Never heard of it Im afraid.

so you didn't find out there other, that's a shame I'll gve you all a big hint. it's by a man named Gary Paulsen. Let's see if you can name it now.

This page had an odd discussion i wish i hadn't missed out on. lol.

why are none of you guessing? Okay here's anouther hint. This book has sold over 2,000,000 copies, and it's a Newbery honor book.

At 1/2/05 03:52 PM, newbman wrote: why are none of you guessing? Okay here's anouther hint. This book has sold over 2,000,000 copies, and it's a Newbery honor book.

Im not guessing casue I have absolutely no idea. My book reading islimited to scifi fantasy and a few classical books. Shallow yes but most othe rbooks I find tiresome to read.

At 1/2/05 03:58 PM, Manic_streetpreacher wrote: Im not guessing casue I have absolutely no idea. My book reading islimited to scifi fantasy and a few classical books. Shallow yes but most othe rbooks I find tiresome to read.

Good answer. I myself would have to venture the same reasons as to why I'm not participating in this litle 'parlour game'

At 1/2/05 03:52 PM, newbman wrote: why are none of you guessing? Okay here's anouther hint. This book has sold over 2,000,000 copies, and it's a Newbery honor book.

I think i missed the rest of the clues. What were they?

Ive added stuff to my begining of story thing. Read,review,critque,compliment. ITs sint gonna let me post it all in one so heres the first bit 2nd bit coming in a min.
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The thick fog rolled gently over the cobbled streets as the light rain fell from the clouds. The smell of smoke and fire wafted through the narrow alleyways and rushed into the nostrils of all those it met.
The sound of horses hooves clattering against the stone that lined the streets resonated towards all the passers by. The outline of a horse started to appear in the fog and gradually gained substance as it got closer.
Eventually the large frame of a grey stallion was visible as well as the smaller frame of a brown mare. The stallions legs moved with a powerful grace as the mare trotted alongside with dignity and respect. The carriage behind the horses was a shade of black that reflected the bleakness of the city streets. The Golden trim around the edges of carriage sparkled as a few rays of moonlight breached the endless wall of fog that had enveloped the streets.
The driver sat at the front of the carriage had a leather whip wrapped round his one hand and in the other he held the reigns that controlled the horses. The drivers black hat slipped to the side as a gust of wind knocked it off balance. The drivers hand quickly caught his hat as it fell. He placed the hat firmly over his iron grey hair and pulled on the reigns to halt the horses.
The horses came to an abrupt halt and the carriage ceased its movement. The door opened and a large portly gentlemen climbed out. His short stubby legs traversed the pavement with a clumsy walk that resembled the waddle of a duck.
“Wait here!” He squeaked in a nasal voice “ I wont be more than 10 minutes”
The driver nodded once and the portly man turned around and walked up to the front of the house. He looked down at his clothes. His scarlet waist coat was as smooth as silk, partially because it was silk, and his trousers were pressed and cleaned to perfection. His shirt was ironed and he looked the perfect gentlemen.
He took a deep breath of air and started to cough. The London smog filled his lungs as he inhaled and was quickly exhaled again. He regained his composure and quickly dusted himself off. He reached up for the lion head door knocker.
He grabbed the handle and the cold touch of Iron froze his fingers. He pulled the knocker back and slammed it three times onto the wooden door. He removed his hand from the ring and waited for a response. The sound of bolts being undone could be heard and the door slowly creaked open.
The voice that resounded through the wooden door was low pitched and had the upper class drawl that would let people recognise him as a servant.
“Yes? Who is it?” the voice said.
The man puffed out his cheeks and swung his cane inside the door to prevent it from being closed.
“ You know damn well who it is! Let me in so I can talk tot hat scumbag master of yours!”
The fat mans voice rose sharply as he spoke taking his regular high pitched voice to the level of a prepubescent soprano.
The butlers eyes appeared in the gap. He sniffed and opened the door the rest of the way.
His voice continued to drawl as his spoke.
“ Ah its you Mr Williams. Mr Poole is awaiting you in the drawing world”
“Hrrrmph! I’m sure he is!” replied Williams.
Williams began to walk past the butler when he tripped over the door stop. He fell flat on his face and landed with a large crash as he knocked over a vase that shattered as it hit the floor.
“ I shall have the bill for that ready for when you leave sir” The butler sniggered as Williams got up.
“ There will be less of that cheek form you Stevens! If you were under my employment I would beat you for talking like that to a guest! Now take me to Poole NOW or I will, beat you!”
Williams waved his cane around frantically almost knocking off another vase.
Stevens sneered and started to walk of and Williams quickly followed. The butler lead him through various corridors till he came to a large green door which was elaborately decorated with gold trim. He knocked once on the door and walked in.
“Mr Jacob Williams to see you sir” The butler announced.
The youthful voice of a man who sounded not a day older than 30 was heard as he replied.
“Ah! Very good Stevens send him in will you?”
Williams rushed into the room and waved is cane frantically! As he entered his eyes fell upon a large room which was extravagantly decorated. The walls were painted in a light green and held many paintings upon it. The floor was made of mahogany and the rug which was placed on top of it was a light yellow. The shelves in the room were occupied by hundreds of books. The dust upon them revealed that they hadn’t been touched for some time and that the maid hadn’t been doing her job properly.
Williams eyes fell upon the young man who say in his chair.
“You have a lot to explain young man! What were you thinking sending your niece off to that god forsaken school? How could you so cold heartedly disregard her interests?”

part 2
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Poole’s green eyes reflected the lamp lights as he held his port glass in his hand. He placed the glass down upon a mahogany table that had recently been polished. Williams red face was clearly visible in it and a side wards smile touched upon Poole’s face.
“My dear Jacob I have not the faintest clue of what you are talking about!” Poole’s voice dripped honey and sugar. His voice was so sweet that William’s felt nauseous at the sound of his sweet voice.
“You know damn well what I’m talking about!” shouted Williams “ You sending your niece off to Hitherton is what I’m on about!”
Poole’s smile vanished as he stared at Williams in his scarlet suit. His eyes were small and squinty but it was clear that they were a deep brown. His hooked nose resembled that of a beak. Overall Williams had a rather bird like appearance.
“Why should the fact that I sent Edith off to hitherto effect you? It is nothing of your concern!”
“Not my concern! Edith is my God daughter you self serving son of a bitch! The only reason you even have custody over her is because you found some obscure loophole in the will when it CLEARLY stated that I was meant to look after her!”
Poole’s smile returned again as he picked up his glass and took a sip.
“ My Dear Jacob! That was just a misunderstanding believe me I want nothing to do with the brat! And the reason I sent her off to Hitherton old boy is because it is a suitable place where she can learn how to be a lady. It is 1894 old chap. Were not in the dark ages where girls were forced to stay at home till they were married.”
Williams face started to turn a dark shade of red. He started to move forward towards where Poole sat in his chair. He raised his cane in the air as though he was about to bring it down upon the head of the blonde haired man.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you!” Poole whispered calmly “ Violence wont get you anywhere old boy. I suggest you leave now. Stevens? Would you escort Mr Williams from the premises.”
Williams lowered his cane and glared at Poole with a look of pure hatred.
“Don’t think you can get out of this so easily Christopher! Just because your ego makes you think your superior to everyone does not make it true!” snapped Williams.
Poole’s eyes narrowed as Williams stood his ground in front of him. He rested his arm upon the side of the chair and pushed himself up to his feet.
“ I believe I asked you to see Mr Williams out Stevens! See to it!”
Stevens moved quickly and grabbed Williams by the arm. Williams turned to face Stevens.
CRACK!
Williams cane came into contact with Stevens head. The butler took a few steps backwards and then fell upon the floor. Blood started to trickle from the butlers head as Poole made his way to check on him and Williams made a hurried exit.
Williams moved quickly down the corridors looking back over his shoulder to make sure no one was following. He came to the front door and made a quick exit from the house. His feet carried him swiftly to the carriage where the driver sat waiting.
“Take me back to Garret Street post haste my dear sir!”
Williams voice has reached its highest point and his tongue had become tied in a knot as he struggled to get the sentence out of his mouth.
The driver nodded once.
“13 garret street it is then sir.” said the driver “ ’Twill take about 20 minutes to get there”
“Good good” replied Williams.
Williams waddled back over to the carriage door and climbed in. He sat down on the leather seat and looked out of the window. The poor to Poole’s house opened and Poole stepped out with an angry expression on his face.
The coach started to pull off as Poole walked down the steps. Williams sank into his seat and let out a sigh of relief.
Poole watched the carriage pull away into the dense fog. He clenched his fist as his face turned red in anger. He turned away from the street and let a string of ungentle manly words. He walked back up to his house and slammed the door shut as he walked in.
The crystal chandelier that hung from the ceiling shook as he crashed his fist into the wall. Stevens appeared holding a damp towel to his head.
“Did you get him?” asked the butler
“No I didn’t” Replied Poole “ The scum bag got into a carriage and got away. I assure though that he will pay. I think the police would enjoy paying him a visit. Don’t you?”
A wicked smile appeared on Butlers pale face
“I’m sure they would love to pay him a visit”
Poole’s turned around and walked to the table in the corner of the entrance hall. He picked up the phone and started talking to the operator.
“ Hello! Operator? Yes put me through to Scotland yard please. Thank you………………..hello? Scotland yard? Ah good. Listen Id like to report an assault on my butler…………yes. I know who did it. His name is Jacob Williams. He lives at 13 Garret street……..good. Ill be waiting for your call once you have arrested him.”
Poole hung up and smiled at Stevens who returned his smile

So far, the description is much better and the atmosphere is amazing. It is coming along. Plus, i always liked that the guys name was Williams. lol.

At 1/2/05 04:14 PM, Myst_Williams wrote: So far, the description is much better and the atmosphere is amazing. It is coming along. Plus, i always liked that the guys name was Williams. lol.

simple things please simple minds I suppose.